Informe juguetero 2012

Otro año más y siempre impuntuales ,el departamento de tontería intenta hacer un exhaustivo análisis del panorama juguetero de estas navidades. Intenta, claro, porque cada año los juguetes son más coñazo y menos divertidos. Nuestro material de investigación es principalmente nuestra biblia juguetera particular , el catálogo de El Corte Inglés. ¿Por qué? Pues porque se ha convertido en un clásico de la literatura  por el valor que tiene describir 40 muñecas iguales y que hacen lo mismo: pipí, popó, papá, mamá,… intentando no repetirse ¡Bravo por los redactores! Una curiosidad del catálogo, es que la primera foto que aparece no es de un niño, sino de una mujer que se parece a la princesa Letizia con un señor mayor , y es que las primeras páginas están dedicadas a la marca Eduland, juguetes educativos de 0 a 100 años … ni los juguetes son lo que eran.

Otro año más nos encontramos los mismos juguetes. Los Gormitis siguen siendo muy feos y entre las niñas siguen triunfando las muñecas poligoneras monster high, con tooooodo tipo de accesorios y los típicos juguetes adaptables al personaje de moda del momento, cojín musical, diario secreto, diario monstruosos, bolso, sets de maquillaje, etc. etc…. Y un año más la pequeña mandarina , juguete siniestro donde los haya, sigue utilizando como reclamo comercial que dice sus frases con la voz de “Gisela”, pero, ¿alguien se acuerda de Gisela?… era de OT, Gran hermano?, ¿de “El Bus”?..

También ha sido el año de las tabletas para niños, algunas de personajes tipo Hello Kitty, Dora la exploradora,  que conviven con los ya viejunos pseudo portátiles de juguete con mini pantallas de cristal líquido, que parecen y son ya el hermano pobre. Amigos, estamos ante una especie en extinción.

Pues con todo esto hemos hecho un pequeño listado de los juguetes que más nos han llamado la atención ya sea por su nombre, descripción o simplemente porque si.

MANOLO COSQUILLOLO

“Si a Manolo le haces cosquillas cada vez que ríe más y se pone más colorado! Como más cosquillas le hagas más reirá y más colorado se pondrá. ¡No podrás parar de reir!”
Poco más podemos decir del mono Manolo, ya el nombre nos encanta, y luego ves el anuncio de youtube y te mueres. Con ese “A por Manolo” del padre y todos como zombies rodeando al pobre mono entregado a la lujuria. No os lo perdáis.

Imagen de previsualización de YouTube

 

MICKEY MOLÓN

Imagen de previsualización de YouTube

Pues si, es muy molón, pero si, también es muy caro… si os fijáis en el anuncio pone, más de 50 euros. Y sí, tiene razón, Mickey molón vale como el doble. Desgraciadamente no corren tiempos como para molar tanto. Mickey ha molado por encima de nuestras posibilidades.

 PRINCESA CELESTIA

El juguete mega cursi del año, la princesa Celestia de Little Pony. A saber: un pequeño pony rosa, unicornio, con alas brillantes, una tiara y gargantilla de oro y un tatuaje de un solete. ¿Se puede pedir más?, SÍ!!, largas pestañas y pelo de colores para peinar y decorar con flores de colores. El cursímetro está dando valores cercanos al 90%. Sólo si hablara con la voz de Isabel Coixet lo haría más ñoño. Nos encanta.

 BUGGY CHI CHI LOVE


De verdad que el año pasado creíamos que no habría nada más cursi que los chichi loves, y que nada superaría a vestir a un chihuahua cual Monster High School como si todas las niñas fueran Paris Hilton. Pues si, lo han conseguido, se han superado, han creado el carrito de pasear a las mascotas disfrazadas. Horreur. De leopardo rosa, como no podía ser de otra manera. En fin, las protectoras de animales deberían actuar preventivamente porque están incitando con estos juguetes a humillar a las futuras (y presentes) mascotas. No haremos chistes (de nuevo) con el nombre del perrito en cuestión.

SUPERCRUCERO DE BARBIE / CASA DE VACACIONES DE BARBIE

Ésta, ésta! ésta es la culpable de la crisis que tenemos, Mariano! ya ha aparecido, la Barbie si que ha vivido por encima de sus posibilidades. Pero toda su vida además.  Ya sé que lo decimos todos los años pero es que esta tía , menudo tren de vida. Súpercrucero y casaza, y todo eso sin trabajo conocido y estando igual que hace 53 años. Es la Carmen Lomana de las muñecas. A la Barbie no le deshauciaran, no…

PASAPALABRA NUEVA VERSIÓN

Pues si, pasapalabra nueva versión…. ¿y cuál es la novedad? pues que han actualizado la foto de Chrsitian Gálvez con más pelazo si cabe. Cada día que pasa Gálvez tiene más pelo, milagros de la TV, porque cuando estaba en CQC se le auguraba mal futuro capilar, se le clareaba el cartón cosa mala. Pero mira por donde, obró el milagro de la tele como con Jude Law, Travolta, Nicholas Cage, José Bono o el caso más importante (incluso el Vaticano lo está estudiando), Hilario Pino. Pero bueno aquí hemos venido a hablar de juguetes…

 

SMASHA BALLZ


“3 personajes para coleccionar – Ninjaaah, Marzian y Gooba. Dale patadas, golpéalos o tíralos y escúchales hacer ruidos divertidos y graciosos.”

Ufff… lo primero es que son súper feos, y además no conocemos a ninguno de estos seres, pero a lo mejor esos ruidos divertidos y graciosos no son sino gritos y quejidos de dolor… Ponemos en entredicho el valor educativo de este juguete que se basa en dar patadas y golpear a este ser, glups… nos parece un poco el laboratorio de pruebas del típico matón de clase y por experiencia propia , los matones de clase suelen tener mucha imaginación para esos menesteres y no vale la pena incentivarla más. Al año que viene edición especial Gandía Shore.

PELUCHE PUFFLES JUMBO

Uno de los juguetes más feos del año, simplemente es un saco de felpa relleno, con una mata de pelos de colores,… y ya está. Como si fuera una cebolla. Y encima no es barato, 26 euros por esta chorrada tan básica. Hecho seguramente con los retales de los smash ballz, sólo podemos decir que son horrendos. Lo peorcito del año.

ORDENADOR INFANTIL PRINCESA


Otro momentazo cursi del año, extraído directamente de esas páginas del catálogo en que se funden la tinta rosa en la impresión, mucho cuidado a los diabéticos: Un ordenador portátil en el que todo, absolutamente todo, tiene forma de corazón, desde la carcasa hasta los botones pasando por unas piezas talladas con corazones y un compartimento, como no, en forma de corazón. Se comenta que las niñas tras media hora de exposición al juguete, acaban con las pupilas en forma de corazón. Y como no podía ser de otra forma, todo de color rosa. Además tiene una mínima pantalla de cristal líquido, que para ser el de una princesa es un poco cutrón. Quién sabe, igual es el ordenador de la princesa del pueblo.

SPIDERMAN TREPADOR

Ufff… una de las aberraciones del año en cuanto a juguetes de Spiderman, cada año una nueva, cada año una peor. Vale que lo que mola de spiderman es que trepa por las paredes, pero si la técnica no permite hacer un juguete que trepe, pues no se hace y punto. Porque este spiderman más que spiderman parece una lagartija dando vueltas por la pared. La verdad es que es curiso el sistema que han ingeniado para trepar, hace el vacío con la pancha y eso lo mantiene pegado a la pared. Este es el típico juguete bizarro que en 20 años será un incunable por lo casposo que es.

Imagen de previsualización de YouTube

TRIOCEFA

Que asquito de juguete, juguete… porque está en el catálogo, porque vamos, es ingeniería biológica. Se trata de una especie de acuario para los triops. ¿Y qué son los triops?, pues bien los triops son unos bichejos asqueroso, parecidos al Alien en su fase que se enganchan al huésped. Según esta web son la especie más antigua del planeta, tienen alrededor de 220 millones de años en los que no han evolucionado. Con el juego te vienen los huevos y las instrucciones para mezclarlos con agua destilada  y que eclosionen y se desarrollen, y lo que es peor…, pueden llegar a + de 10 cm de largo. En 220 millones de años no han evolucionado, quién sabe si ahora les da por evolucionar y se convierten en grandes monstruos y arrasan con los humanos. Ojalá.

DOCTOR DREADFUL

Ha costado, pero los zombies también han llegado a los juguetes, es cierto que nos hubiera encantado ver la Barbie Zombie que se come a Ken, o que Baby Alive fuera realmente un niño que vuelve a la vida tras ser mordido por su madre, pero de momento nos tenemos que conformar con esto. El juguete zombie en cuestión, es el típico laboratorio de crear tus propias gominolas para niños. Pero esta vez la excusa son los muertos vivientes. Sin duda los zombies venden también entre los niños.

ANGRY BIRDS STAR WARS

Uno de los epic fails del año. La pregunta es…¿ por qué?, no hay ética, no hay valores?, ¿por qué tiene que mezclar angry birds con star wars?, quién está detrás de todo esto, quién es el que concede las licencias de star wars para los juguetes. ¿Un trekkie?, ¿han puesto al Dr. Spock a aprobar los productos con licencia Star Wars?…Pues en esta línea nos encontramos un AT AT , una especie de ruinas de Tattoine y una estrella de la muerte donde poner los gorrinos y tirarles los pájaros con un tirachinas con una empuñadora de sable laser. Herético. Innecesario.
Si la moda esta de “para qué inventar si pongo cualquier cosa bajo una licencia y me forro” evoluciona a “para qué buscar una licencia pudiendo mezclar dos y me forro el doble” estaríamos ante la hecatombe juguetil, con productos de Bob Esponja vestido de los superhéroes Marvel, Trancas y Barrancas yendo al High School Musical o a Pocoyó vestido de Stormtrooper. Ahora que lo pienso… qué mono!

FRUIT NINJA

Otro epic fail del año.Este es el juego de mesa basado, según dicen, en la app del mismo nombre. “Basado” debe ser que le han puesto el mismo nombre, porque es una chorrada que no tiene nada que ver con la app ni cortes espectaculares de fruta en el aire, ni nada, tan sólo un juego de cartas y un montón de frutas de plástico desparramadas por la mesa, en la que según la carta debes darle la vuelta a algunas frutas. Cooooñaaaazoooo… Otra muestra más de que lo que no puede ser, no puede ser y además es imposible.

Imagen de previsualización de YouTube

 NERF ELLITE HAIL FIRE

Y nos despedimos con uno de los nuestros clásicos , con Nerf y su armamento para la milicia Junior. Esta vez con una trastaco automático que alcanza hasta 22m . Y sólo vale 60 eurazos! Según ellos mismos, el arma con más capacidad Ever. Nerf sibilinamente está armando a los niños del mundo con desconocidas intenciones. No tiréis todavía el búnker que os comprasteis para el 21 de Diciembre.

Y poco más, la verdad,  se ve que la industria juguetera ante el posible fin del mundo, no se han esmerado mucho, esperemos que el año que aparezcan mejores y más pimpantes juguetes para seguir comentándolos.

Os dejamos aquí los informes de los años anteriores: 2006, 2007, 2008 ,2009,2010, 2011

Antoinette & Maiquelnait

 

 

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Comentarios:

Bieeeenn!! Ya estaba deseando leer nuestro más esperado informe juguetero anual. Atención a la escandalera que monta el Spiderman trepador, que parece una Roomba con caparazón, jajajaj.

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Fruit Ninja es con diferencia lo peor de lo peor. Es de esos juegos en los que nunca terminas una partida

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A mí el Triocefa me ha dado miedo….

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