El bochorno y la gloria

Portada del número 42 de "2000maniacos"

Agárrense los machos, señoras y señores, porque la peña de 2000maniacos se ha ido de excursión a las entrañas de la selva más negra y profunda, donde las fieras sedientas de sangre y los aborígenes caníbales compiten por zamparse a viajeros desprevenidos o, lo que es aún más sabroso, a negras jamonas semidesnudas y a amazonas rubias en bikini de leopardo. No hay control ni comedimiento, aquí todo se muerde, se folla, se golpea, se mutila, se encula y, cuando ya se ha tenido bastante, se echa a los cocodrilos. Sin desperdicios, nada sobra, todo se recicla y se regurgita para volver a empezar…

¡Unga-bunga! ¡Unga-bunga! ¡La Reina Mandinga te va a pegar un bocado en la punta de la polla y ya se está relamiendo!

Holocausto Caníbal, de Ruggiero Deodato

Este pasado miércoles se presentó en Valencia el número 42 de 2000maniacos, el fanzine dirigido desde hace la friolera de 22 años por Manuel Valencia, hecho que lo acredita como uno de los más veteranos en su género, por lo menos desde aquí hasta Tombuctú.

Creado en 1989, se ha convertido en una de las más importantes cabeceras dedicadas a glosar el cine popular, de serie B, fantástico, escurriplástico, erótico y pornográfico o de terror. Y no sólo el cine, porque también suele prestar atención de vez en cuando al mundo del cómic, la literatura, etc. Ya en su momento publicamos en esta misma web una reseña sobre un número anterior, donde quedan bien definidas sus características.

Es necesario constatar la loable perseverancia de Manolo Valencia en su empresa de seguir editando en papel una revista como ésta, en un mundo como el actual en el que internet lo ha devorado prácticamente todo y donde una parte del material que estudia este fanzine campa a sus anchas por la red (aunque casi siempre con muy poco o ningún criterio). No se niega 2000maniacos a usar las ya no tan nuevas tecnologías (de hecho, poseen una página en facebook, Vade Retro Satanasa!) ni descartan para un futuro no sabemos si próximo su aparición estelar en la web, pero lo cierto es que es muy de agradecer que un producto de estas características siga siendo como es: una revistilla más o menos cutre (aunque ahora la imprimen en glamuroso couché), perfecta para ojearla distraídamente en la barra de un bar, manosearla impaciente en la cola del paro, llevártela con disimulo al wc, prestársela sólo a algún amiguito del alma o devorarla empecinadamente en los siempre mal iluminados autobuses de la EMT valenciana, cuando te vuelves por la noche para casa, después del curro. No hay mejor sensación que ésta última, más cuando te das cuenta que te has pasado de parada y encima te duelen los ojos por dejarte la vista en las abigarradas páginas repletas de reseñas cinematográficas, ilustraciones bizarras y chascarrillos sicalípticos a tutiplén, todo ello en cuerpo 6, de tanto que tienen que decir y del poco espacio del que disponen.

2000maniacos núm. 42, páginas interiores

Empezó Manolín hace un montón de años con un 2000maniacos hecho artesanalmente, a base de tijeras, pegamento imedio y fotocopias. Del número 1 tiró sólo 100 ejemplares, que fueron vendidos a los desprevenidos miembros de su propia familia al gürteliano precio de 20 duros cada uno. Pero eso sirvió para empezar y para echar adelante la aventura, hasta llegar al día de hoy, gracias también a una nómina de imprescindibles escuderos que incluye a elementos del calibre de Charly Álvarez o del tetris-maquetista Gonzalo Pérez, que se lo curran incansablemente y a plena satisfacción del alegre y borrachuzo público comprador. Desde hace unos años, además, 2000maniacos es la revista bastarda de la Semana de Cine Fantástico y de Terror de Donostia, lo que les permite una holgura presupuestaria sin la que es difícil que hubieran resistido los embates de la puta crisis de los cojones.

Una importante labor por la que siempre estaremos agradecidos a 2000maniacos –como se encargó de subrayar el erudito Pedro Porcel durante la mencionada presentación- es la que el fanzine ha realizado durante todos estos años a favor de la dignificación de la cultura popular, de su reivindicación frente a las mentes estrechas, mentecatas y semióticas (y aburridas) que tanto daño han hecho y hacen a la Humanidad con sus desprecios, sus religiones y sus censuras. Y fue mucho más allá el Reverendo Porcel al exigir la libertad de consumo de los productos de serie B como seráfica evasión de la espeluznante realidad circundante, escapismo inocente (si lo comparamos con el uso abusivo de la heroína, por ejemplo) que nos aplaca el ánimo y nos facilita a todos evitar el desagradable trance de tener que pegarnos un tiro directamente para escapar de esta mierda de mondo cane donde nos ha tocado vivir.

Todo eso lo consiguen desde 2000maniacos casi sin que te des cuenta y con una maestría apabullante. Para empezar, porque sus elucubraciones sobre directores o actores amarcianados, sus reseñas de películas ignotas o sus críticas de films vergonzosos son mucho más divertidas, cáusticas y despiporrantes que el propio material sobre el que se basan. Y sobre todo, por la extrema minuciosidad con la que son elaboradas todas las secciones, noticias, reseñas, entrevistas, recopilaciones de datos y opiniones que se incluyen en la revista, trátese el tema que se trate. No es posible -me admiro- que se pueda embuchar tanta sabiduría y tanta reconcentración de conocimientos en sólo 84 páginas de 23 x 16 cm.

2000maniacos núm. 42, páginas interiores

Y eso se nota, y mucho, en el descacharrante número que nos ocupa, el 42, correspondiente al “invierno helado” de 2011: un Especial Exótico que es un monográfico salvaje y caníbal dedicado al cine más cutre, más exuberante, más casposo, más serie B y más pulp de la cinematografía selvática, los mundos perdidos, los zombies nigerianos, los tarzanes de medio pelo y, sobre todo, las amazonas ligeras de ropa.

En un desfase que no se puede parar, este número te analiza las peores películas exóticas de todos los tiempos, sean remakes turcos intragables o delirantes fantasías sádicas filipinas. No hay perdón ni hay descanso en esta gloriosa maratón de cine birrioso a través del loco mundo de las películas exóticas: Queen Kong, Alucinaciones sexuales de un mono, Kilma Reina de las Amazonas, O beijo da mulher piranha, Horrors of Spider Island, Revenge of the zombies, Tarkan vs the vikings, Tebaatusasula, Teenage caveman, Lady Terminator, Mercenarios caníbales, Las amazonas contra los Superman, Apocalipsis caníbal, Tarzán contra el Mau-mau, Emanuelle Negra se va al Oriente (y todas las demás de Laura Gemser!), Il paese del sesso selvaggio, Gungala la Virgen de la Selva, Liane das Mädchen aus den Urwald, Gorilas a todo ritmo, Mad Doctor of Blood Island… ¡¡todas!! ¡¡tooodas aparecen en la revista!!

2000maniacos núm. 42, páginas interiores

Centenares de películas estudiadas, investigadas, viviseccionadas y explicadas con un humor a la vez tierno y salvaje que apostilla lo mejor de cada caso -sus carencias y sus aciertos, la desvergüenza de los productores, la incompetencia de los actores, los plagios infumables, los errores de filmación…-, como sólo lo pueden hacer los auténticos amantes de lo extremo. Y hay para todos los gustos: canibalismo despiadado, bestialismo hirsuto, fufu cinema, monstruos de pacotilla, ovnis de papel de plata en una selva ajardinada, reptiles de goma, actores acatarrados, púberes follables, mandingas pollitiesos, fetos destripados, lolitas jailbait, Idi Amin Dada royendo los huesos descarnados de Ajita Wilson… ¿qué más se puede pedir?
Como dice en un artículo Charly Glamour: “¡Brindemos con un cráneo por el cine sesentero de cuatro acordes!”. Puñetazos de punk salvaje contra cerebros en descomposición permanente.

Y todo ello se consigue gracias a la maestría de los colaboradores de 2000maniacos, auténticos artífices de su éxito por su incorruptible afición a lo extremo y a lo bizarro, a la evasión hedonista y a cobrar en cervezas: gente de la calaña de Pedro Calleja, Luís Carbajales, Cúrcuma, Rubén Higueras, Darío Lavia, Hernán Panessi, Chus Parrado, Pedro Temboury, el ya mencionado Charly Álvarez (impagable su esquizoide artículo “Titanes camorristas de la Conchinchina”), Jess Palacios (que cubre la parte dedicada a la literatura) o la mismísima hija de Manolo Romo, que se marca una fotonovela infantil “de susto”.

Lo comentado ya sería lo peor de cada casa si no tuviéramos presentes las neuronas sincopadas de El Abuelito (inconmensurable su reportaje sobre “Diosas, tarzanas y bikinis de leopardo”), Paco Gisbert (“La vuelta al mundo en 10 polvos”), el incombustible Gerard Fernández “Ordel” (“Bienvenidos al cine bizarro africano” o, mejor aún, “Tarzanas sexys vs. Gorilas salidos”), el atómico Álex Zinéfilo (“La slavesploitation rompe sus cadenas: Mondo Mandinga”), un pedazo de bestia parda como es el Sr. Ausente (que tiene la alegre desfachatez de recomendar películas delirantes como “Tarzán y el Arco Iris”) o una reveladora entrevista exclusiva con el maestro caníbal Ruggero Deodato.

¿Qué más quieres, Baldomero?

¿Te fugas conmigo a la jungla o te vas donde tu mercachifle y te agencias el 2000maniacos? (sólo por 7 euros)

Cartel de la película "Queen Kong"

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