Cómo ser Guiri del FIB en 10 pasos. Paso IX: Cosmopolitismo y diversidad. Interacción con los lugareños.

PASO IX: COSMOPOLITISMO Y DIVERSIDAD. INTERACCIÓN CON LOS LUGAREÑOS.

Paso IX. Interacción con lugareños.

Aunque la mayoría de gente que veas a tu alrededor hable tu idioma, en los conciertos a los que vas la proporción de los de tu pueblo sea más alta que la de los de fuera, y que en las barras de bebida te pregunten directamente en inglés, estás en un festival extranjero. El sol y los precios del alcohol te lo dejaban bastante claro, así como el mar más o menos azul y la escasa proporción de madres adolescentes por las calles.
Estás en otro país, y por lo tanto, deberás interaccionar e interactuar con los lugareños y los festivaleros venidos de toda la geografía española y olé.
La cosa no será fácil, pero la costumbre, las ganas de fiesta y el alcohol ayudarán sin duda. De nuevo, confiamos en ti.

BLOQUE 1. INTERCAMBIAR CONOCIMIENTOS

Paso IX. Interacción con lugareños.

Lo primero de todo es aprender y enseñar las tradiciones más ancestrales de cada país. En el cámping, si tienes cerca a un grupo de españolitos de a pie con nociones básicas de inglés y mucho morro, enseguida comenzará el traspaso de conocimientos: tú les ofrecerás cerveza, y ellos la rechazarán. No es porque por aquí se sea de un descortés que hiera, sino porque la cerveza caliente sí que hiere al estómago y la nuez de todo bicho viviente ibérico. Así que aprenderás una valiosa lección: el hielo es tu amigo y además la cerveza que venden está fría. Que lo disfrutes.
El segundo paso de tu aprendizaje será la valiosa receta de sangría, o el secreto mágico del calimotxo. Obviamente tus amigos y tú lo llevareis un paso más adelante, mezclando todo lo que tenga alcohol (cuidado con el Listerine, que amarga) en un cubo y añandiendo vino y fanta naranja. Cuando digo todo, digo todo. Al final lo que conseguireis, cuando vuestros gurús de la gastronomía y cocotelería hispánica no estén delante, es mezclar el vino barato (posiblemente koreano) del Lidl (el de la garrafa color ketchup, ese) con cola TOF o Naranja Caramba, un kilo de azúcar y si hay suerte (que generalmente no), un poco de hielo. Luego buscareis por el suelo alrededor de las tiendas, hasta encontrar una botella todavía sin romper, de la que se pueda rescatar un culito de vodka. Et voilá, spanish sangria al canto. Que no quede nada.

Vuestro saber a compartir sin duda será el de lanzar cerveza durante los conciertos. Es una tradición que trajisteis vosotros, y debeis enseñársela a los jóvenes neofibers que cada año aparecen por Benicàssim. De esta forma, hareis creer a esta gente que los conciertos son así, y cuando vayan a un concierto en sala, a la primera canción tirarán una cerveza al aire, le reventará la cabeza a alguien, y les reventarán la cara a ellos. Pero bueno, doble función: las ostias enseñan a vivir; algo tremendamente british, además.

BLOQUE 2. SOBREVIVIR

Paso IX. Interacción con lugareños.

Y bueno, durante toda vuestra estancia, la comunicación con los spaniards se basará básicamente en los gestos, y en la supervivencia más vital y primaria: comer, beber, dormir, no morirse. Intenta recordar estas frases, no usarás muchas más:
- Comer: “Patatas fritas”, “Pizza,…. This one”, “Más patatas fritas”, “Pengüin Special”, “Con muchas patatas fritas”, “For me, Palellia”, “Con patatas fritas is possible?”
- Beber: “Dos vodkas con limón”, “Un pinta de cerveza”, “Tres vodkas con limón”, “Dos pintas de cerveza”, … y así sucesivamente hasta 12.
- Dormir: “Ehhh, hummm, ohhhh, gracias”. Cuando le ayudas a levantarse del suelo, claro.
- No morirse.- “Él borracho”, “No moverse” y “Ehhhh, hummmm, ohhhh, gracias” es lo que necesitas para interactuar con los puestos médicos y sanitarios.

BLOQUE 3. LIGAR

Paso IX: Interacción con lugareños

Otra de las claves del FIB. Hace unos años se decía que en el FIB no se ligaba. Pero era en esos años en los que la gente iba a ver conciertos. Ahora (maldita sea) parece que eso ya no mola, y lo de ver conciertos ha pasado a un meritorio segundo plano. O tercero.
Para ligar, tienes dos opciones: la fácil y la sorprendentemente fácil.
- La fácil es ligarse a un/a british y palante. Cero problemas con el idioma, cero sorpresas, y además hasta podeis quedar luego, en vuestro país, si vivís cerca.
- La sorprendentemente fácil es ligar con un/una spanish. A priori es más difícil porque el tema semántico e idiomático es un problema. Pero una vez que te lanzas, se demuestra que la cosa tampoco es tan difícil y que hablar tampoco es tan necesario. Hablar está sobrevalorado, sin duda. La cosa es que en el curso de cómo ser español del FIB, uno de los puntos sin duda será: ligar con un/a guiri. Por lo que vamos, hay un feedback que no veas. Los dos teneis las mismas ganas de ligar con un extranjero; los dos quereis contar que os habeis ligado a alguien de fuera. Pues fácil: adelante, déjalo claro y la cosa está medio hecha. Lo chungo de este punto es que tienes que ir medio presentable, tanto de vestimenta como de ciego. A no ser que pillas al único o única que no ha ligao y por no ser menos que la choni de la Jenny se enrolle con cualquier cosa.

BLOQUE 4. SOCIOS Y NEGOCIOS

Paso IX.- Interacción con los lugareños

Pero sin duda los que más interactúan con el guiri, los que más los echan de menos cuando el FIB acaba, los que más esperan con ansia su regreso son… los punkis del camino. Qué harían los punkis sin vender los kilos de pared rascada a los pobres guiris incautos y ansiosos. Se sacan para comprarse una furgo y dos perros de marca cada edición de FIB. Y la entrada para el Viña, claro. Qué entrañables las imágenes, a la salida del recinto, con los punkis ofreciendo de todo en perfecto inglés, y un buen número de guiris metiéndose entre los matorrales para probarlo y comprar. Ay, angelitos. Lo peor es que después de probarlo compran… Luego la imagen de España por el mundo… cuál será? Tampoco importa, porque en el estado que llegará esta gente, a ver quién los cree.
Así que ya sabes, los punkis y los perroflautas de fuera, aunque te den miedo a la llegada, acabarán siendo tus mejores amigos. Y tú el suyo, sin duda. Ya verás que te llamarán primo y todo…

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Me parto con este paso!! juas! No a los punkis ermitaños del camino… dan miedo, ji,ji

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